The day I died, I decided not to meditate.
I sat there in the pink early morning light, coffee in hand, and wanted to just breathe and BE… letting every moment sit longingly on my tongue and be savored; not resisting the cool air on my toes, rather FEELING it… all of it… what it is to be human and fully alive.
Of course, I didn’t die that day. It was an experiment I gave myself as part of a year-long study into death… a topic that became instantly more relevant as a 21st Century pandemic shook our lives like an earthquake. No warning, no notice, just lives shattered at our feet. But death of a slower variety, an erosion, had already begun for me… the greying of my hair, the slow failing of my eyesight and, on a larger scale, the crumbling of Truth and long-held norms in our national institutions and dialogue.
But this wasn’t the first time I had died. Rounding 30 years of age I violently tore at all the structures of my life and ripped them apart with my bare hands: my 7 year relationship, my career in social justice, my home in Los Angeles. And, released from the bondage of those structures, I flew, vast and silent, into A Great Nothingness. A Space foreign and free and utterly raw. I had no hard shell left to protect my soft, exposed Heart, but neither was I bound or corralled into a false form that no longer fit my growing, stretching Spirit.
This was my first conscious death. I was a surface creature unaccustomed to the darkness of the damp, fertile Earth. But submerged and decomposing as I was, I needed to learn a whole new language and culture here below, here in the Sacred Darkness. A language of Spirit, the vision of Spirit. How my own Spirit communicates with me, how it communicates with others, how it feeds itself from its Source/God. No, I am not my job, I am not my house, I am not my city, I am not my age, I am not my culture, I am not my thoughts or feelings or physical sensations… I Am.
“Remember that when you leave this earth, you can take with you nothing that you have received- only what you have given: a full heart, enriched by honest service, love, sacrifice and courage.” ~St. Francis of Assisi
So, how do we master this cycle of cracking, crumbling, decomposing, sprouting, growing and blossoming… whether it is born within us or outside of our control? Letting go of the resistance so it’s not put off and held tight and denied until it must explode dramatically but rather lovingly noticing and allowing the changes so they can unfold gently: the pain and discomfort of “this no longer fits”, the messiness of the breaking or letting go, the Silence and Emptiness that follows and finally the hopeful, tentative new beginnings, the exhilaration of hitting your stride, then the confident, fully expressed Integration of the new form. And how to do this over and over again over a lifetime so we always remain fresh and alive and never crusted over and hardened in an increasingly false and deformed Expression? Yes, allowing death is the only way to remain fully alive.
“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.” ~Arundhati Roy
We are in an extraordinary time. Our World and all its former identities and norms are shattering. And you are an important part of it. Do not try to keep your pieces together. Do not love only your sunny self or hold onto your dying, crumbling expression of Self. Let the remnants of your former identity and life rain down around you as you enter, blinking, into the Sacred Darkness. Make a home here. It is here you will learn that none of that is You. It never was. And the vast Beingness that you are, that we are, cannot remain confined in any shape for very long. To change, to blossom, we must die first.
So what do we do in times of death or erosion in our lives? What are the strategies that hug us through these moments, help us to fully express them and lend themselves to the natural growth and rebuilding that follows?
Strategies for Dealing with Death, Decay & Erosion
- THROW OUT YOUR “TO-DO” LIST. There is no direction at these times. There is nowhere to go so don’t keep running! Go instead fully into the resting, reflecting, journaling, praying, listening/meditating and self-nourishing of this time. Go to beautiful places. Be fully in the present moment. Going deeply into the stillness will hasten the clarity you desire
- FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS, provoke and express them rather than suppress them: do art, listen to music that expresses how you feel, talk to friends, cry.
- LET THOUGHTS MOVE THROUGH YOU. During times of breakdown there are lots of unsettled, unpleasant thoughts. Try allowing them but not indulging them. Let them move through you without grasping them and attempting to “think” them through. Let them come and go like (painful!) clouds. Sigh. Care for yourself. This too shall pass.
- CREATE in all the “go nowhere” ways that you never allow yourself to do. Put down the “should” list and go deeply down the rabbit hole of HEART: try that sweet potato pie recipe, make those earrings you’ve been wanting to make, pull out that guitar, sit on that beach, go for that run. Whatever makes you feel hopeful and excited. This is the natural time for these things and you may be creating a new awareness of and habits for what nourishes your deepest Soul. Enjoy and trust that clarity will come.
- BE DETERMINED and passionate. Of course, you don’t have time or energy for these things. Begin anyway… today!
Questions for Reflection
- What (in me, in the world) is dying? Name the individual fragments. How can I help them die and decompose fully? Beautifully?
- What is a metaphor for what I need right now (to rest in a cloud, to drop a bomb, to let myself eviscerate into nothingness, etc…)?
- What are the things I really want to do that I’m not making time for (do them!)?
- Especially if things seem solidly horrible to you, try to identify a few quietly beautiful things that have emerged amidst the destruction and debris. What creative potential might they have?
- What is the larger shift (in the World, in my life) wanting to happen? What is wanting to emerge?
“Our undoing is also our becoming.” ~ Terry Tempest Williams, Erosion
